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Self-Deception

Here's how Arbinger explains this.

Here's a capsule view of how Arbinger views that so-typical incident and its outcome. (Our book Leadership & Self-Deception and our many programs go into far more detail.) Our core beliefs are in bold type.

You often intuitively know what a right action toward another person is.
It's 4 am, my kid is crying...I'll go care for her.

An act contrary to what you feel you should do for another is called an act of "self-betrayal."
I'm tired - let Jill do it.

When you betray yourself, you begin to see the world in a way that justifies your self-betrayal.
I do everything I should do ... work hard, help in the house ... I'm a good husband.

When you see a self-justifying world, your view of reality becomes distorted - you begin to deceive yourself.
Jill is so lazy... insensitive... slacking off...

We call this "entering the box."

Over time, certain boxes become characteristic of you, and you carry them with you.
I'm fine ... all our problems are Jill's fault because she's lazy, insensitive...

By being in the box, you provoke others to be in the box.
(Jill's thoughts about you): He's so cold and dismissive...always blaming me ... what a jerk...

In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reasons to stay in the box.

Arbinger training is all about the box. How to never get in. How to get out and stay out. How being out makes people and organizations much more effective, productive, successful, satisfied and happy.