Why Leaders don’t Lead… and “big boys and girls” don’t follow
A recent complaint we received from a manager:
“I do my job, I get my results, and no one has to chase me down or manage me. Well my employees are also ‘big boys and girls’ and should be able to get results: I pay them top salaries, they were hired because of their competence and expertise, I trust and expect them to get things done. But when things become critical, or go wrong, no one steps up and takes responsibility and delivers results! I don’t know what to do!”
Like most of us, you’re probably nodding your head thinking “I know exactly what that feels like”. But before we get too far into lamenting our problems, let’s take a look at how “the box” may be distorting this situation.
Recall that “the box” is a metaphor for the experience of self-deception. In “the box”, we distort how we see ourselves, others, and even the world of work in order to justify what we haven’t done (or what we have done that we might regret).
The “big boys and girls box”
This leader’s complaint, although not immediately obvious, reveals more about the manager’s justification (and problems) than about the competence of their team! Viewing oneself as able to “get results”, provides justification for expecting the same of everyone else… and absolves us of any responsibility if our team and colleagues fail to deliver. After all, they are “big boys and girls” and shouldn’t need me to help them with everything they do.
Isn’t a leader’s job to lead? To help their team get results?
The “big boys and girls box” provides leaders with justification for expecting unreasonable results, together with a big BUT:
- Without providing leadership
- Without investing the time and energy to develop the team.
- Without taking ultimate responsibility for actually getting results.
(Very similar to some of the frustrations parents experience when they expect their children to be competent and responsible, but without first investing the love and time to develop these characteristics with their children).
How does this “box” develop?
Almost every leader we work with faces extreme demands on their time. Deadlines, meetings, reports and more meetings. Hiring competent people is often an attempt to share some of this workload. However, when we forget to invest the time to build quality relationships with our people and to nurture their ability to deliver results, we open the door to the “big boys and girls box”.
This manager, for example, discovered that he hadn’t been having regular face time with his direct reports, hadn’t been helping them to set goals, and hadn’t taken time to clarify his expectations for them (which up until then had simply gone unsaid). And because of his “big boys and girls box”, he was blaming them for the resulting problems, instead of taking responsibility and action to improve the situation.
So why can’t leaders lead?
Justification and self deception. Our boxes provide us with a way of seeing situations that justify our failure to take responsibility and lead. Self-deception blinds us from seeing we are doing it. Any box we carry will get in our way as leaders, as it will provide some form of justification to not do what is needed and blame others for the problems.
So how do we get out of the “big boys and girls box”?
- Identify the signs of the box (ie. unreasonable expectations on ourselves & others, feelings of blame/frustration when others fail to deliver, unwillingness to help).
- Find a place to reflect and make note of what our justification has excused us from doing, for example: taking time with our team, setting clear goals, listening, clarifying, teaching, etc. (Note, if you struggle with this, it helps to sit down and listen to your team – they are sure to tell you where they need more support!)
- Take action! Do what you haven’t been doing. And keep doing it!
We welcome your thoughts and experiences with this “box”. When have you slipped into it? What was the impact it had on the situation? Did you get the results you wanted? Take a moment to share your thoughts with us by commenting below and join the discussion!
Also as you begin thinking about other boxes that keep you from leading, follow along in the coming weeks as we explore more “boxes” that impact leaders.
Jon
PS. if you missed our global community call on this topic you can listen to it here >>
I just finished reading “Leadership…,” and it seems to me that “the box” is really a house of mirrors in which we appear to be looking out at others but all we can really see is ourself. In that state, we use our interaction with others as a way to measure ourselves. When our reflection is unflattering (when people don’t respond in a way that reflects favorably to us), we respond in a varity of ways that are all intended to restore a more pleasing image. Though we are interracting with others, our true intent is to project an image that reflects back pleasingly. Our focus, then, is really on ourselves. Our apparent outward focus is really an inner focus. As such, we cannot really know others as they truly are nor ourselves as we truly are. Like a house of mirrors, our entire experience is a distortion of reality that leaves unable to solve problems because we cannot understand them in the first place.
Thirty minutes ago, a fellow supervisor berated me as she had done many times before despite my hving spoken with her about her behavior. Normally, being in my own house of mirrors and seeing my reflection in her become ugly to me, I would have reacted with great anxiety, my mind getting drunk on adrenaline. But this time, I stepped out of my house of mirrors and saw her as a person in her own house of mirrors. Though she was looking in my direction, she was not really seeing and berating me, she was berating her objectified version of me in a desperate attempt to restore a more favorable and pleasing reflection of herself. This reflection was one of power and control that she thought she had lost because I had acted in a way that she thought had undermined her image of power and control. Having used power and control to berate me, as she supposed, she was then satisfied she had restored her reflection to one of power and control and then walked away from me.
Seeing her in this new way left me calm and able to listen to her without reviling in return. I also do not feel the need to strike back at her afterward because I do not view her treatment of me as a reflection of who I am. Rather, it is an expression of who she is–a woman trapped in her own self-imposed, self-deceiving house of mirrors, struggling against a world that only exists in her mind. Neither do I feel sorry for her, for that would be condescending. I am not superior to her. I merely stepped out my own version of our house of mirrors.
Will,
Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I like the “house of mirrors” metaphor for the box. You’ve seen deeply into the experience of the box: that even when we think or feel we’re focused on others, we’re really self-focused. And with that brings a host of warped images of myself and others that, as you point out, leaves me unable to even see the problem clearly.
The experience with your colleague is powerful. It suggests that the first step to getting out is recognizing my own house of mirrors and taking responsibility for what it invites in me. Then, I decide not to do what the box would have told me to do. Often this lowers the tension right away, as the other person suddenly has someone very different to whom to react.
But not always. In those cases, while I can move on to the third step, I might have to do a lot of repeating of the first two.
And the third step? Returning to my sense of what I can do to help. I’m eager to hear about your attempts to make it there.
All my best,
Jon
Jon,
What a way to end my work-week. Thank you for your article that is clear and to the point. Over the last few months, I have struggled with the issues you raise. Leading a team dispersed across 6 countries, leadership becomes even more complicated. I hoped that the “big girls and boys” would be able to deliver the goods. There was a clear strategy in place and all that was required of them was to generate work plans that delivered killer outcomes. How vain this was, I discovered later.
In my case, I had to ‘burn the box’ as this was hindering my leadership style. It would have been easy to run back to the ‘box’ when the going got tough or I did not get the desired outcome. When I did this, I realized that what my team needed most was not strategy. It was direction…practical examples of how stuff should be done. They had the competency and skill, all they yearned for was a slight nudge in the right direction of how to activate their potential. The result has been astonishing. Ideas and initiative are flowing. In the last week, I have managed to accomplish some activities that previously took nearly 2 months to get off the blocks!
Only when I agreed with my inner self that I had failed did the cogs get unstuck. I had to lead myself first, before I could totally accept my leadership. I stride into the weekend a tired by very satisfied soul.
Three cheers to you for bringing this up…
Kimunya